Author: G Francis Xavier
Publisher: Pustak Mahal
Year: 2004
Language: English
Pages: 176
ISBN/UPC (if available): 81-223-0847-3
Description
A collection of the world’s best humour, besides having readers double up with laughter this book will also set them thinking, as these jokes and humorous anecdotes contain significant moral and ethical insights.
This book will also motivate you to think positively, inspire you by stirring the creative juices, stimulate the genius in you, develop your moral values, help flower your personality and improve your sense of humour, while simultaneously providing practical wisdom from all over the world.
The book is just the kind of humour that men and women across all age-groups would enjoy immensely and learn from.
Some glimpses:
*To a question asking for the method of preparation of sodium chloride,a student wrote in his exam paper:Everything on this planet was created by God.So,ask him.
To this the teacher remarked in the answer-book:I asked God for an explanation.He gave me the correct answer.So,he gets full marks and you get zero.
*Suresh came to his friend,Harish, with a problem.Suresh said: I have a problem.I do not know whether to marry this rich widow whom my mother has introduced to me ,or to marry this beautiful waitress I am in love with.
To this his friend replied:You need to do two things.First, there is nothing like love.You should tonight only elope with the waitress.
And what is the second thing I should do? asked Suresh.Give me the address of the rich widow, said his friend.
PREFACE:
Just a Minute Please!
Everybody loves jokes, irrespective of age, profession or social strata. And that is because humour is a special endowment of humans.
Joke books are a dime a dozen. So why would we publish another joke book? Indeed, this book is different. The jokes contained herein have been carefully chosen from several thousands. Only those that have a message for self-improvement find a place here.
Every joke is followed by a thought for introspection. I have given my reflections on the inherent message. Perhaps you may find another dimension.
What better way than a joke to get an important message across to an audience, colleagues at work, or even a loved one at home. Remember, the most serious concerns can be addressed and even solved through a good joke. But care needs to be exercised to do it appropriately. Enjoy the jokes and, more importantly, benefit from the messages contained therein.
—Dr G Francis Xavier
EXCERPTS:
4. How to Enjoy Heaven on Earth
A well-known Swamiji was giving a discourse in a temple. He was very witty and humorous and would simultaneously give inspiring speeches to the public regarding improvement in spiritual life. In one of his discourses he commented: “Everyone is interested in going to heaven but their actions would make them eligible to go to hell.”
Everyone appreciated his ideas and cheered him for it. Encouraged by their appreciation he continued: “I earnestly request you to perform your actions in such a way that you should be able to go to heaven without any difficulty. How many of you are interested in going to heaven with your wife? All those who are interested should raise their hands.”
Everyone raised his hands except one. Swamiji asked him: “Why did you not raise your hands? Are you not married?”
“Of course, I’m married,” he replied.
“Are you not interested in going to heaven with your wife?”
The man replied calmly...
The Query: What was the reply of the man?
The Answer: “I would be happy if my wife alone went to heaven. Then I shall enjoy the life of heaven on earth.”
The Message: Married life is beset with a variety of problems. It is for married couples to adjust their life according to the temperament of each other. In the absence of such adjustments, the spouses will feel miserable in the presence of each other.
5. Remember the Other Man’s Interest
A budding author went to a publisher with his newly written thousand-page novel and explained to him the plot, the characters, the suspense and all the other details of the novel. Then he told the publisher: “Before coming here I had a severe headache. While I was absorbed in explaining the beauty of my novel, the headache has completely vanished.”
The Query: What was the reaction of the publisher?
The Answer: The publisher replied: “The headache has not gone anywhere. It has just come to me!”
The Message: Some people enjoy talking about themselves and their accomplishments, unmindful of the response they receive from others. Develop the habit of listening to others attentively. Talk in terms of the other man’s interest.
7. Be a Role Model for Your Children
Boy: “Dad, did you go to Sunday school when you were a kid?”
Dad: “I sure did. Never missed a Sunday.”
Then the boy turned to his mother and said...
The Query: What did the boy say to his mother?
The Answer: “See Mom, it won’t do me any good either.”
The Message: Children learn many things, good or bad, from parents. They observe the behavioural patterns of parents. Children are not much impressed with the tons of advice and preaching given by parents. The best gift that parents can offer their children is their own example of leading a pure and virtuous life.
12. Sexuality Among Different Nationalities
An Australian businessman boarded a plane and, to his delight, found a gorgeous blonde seated next to him. After take-off, they started chatting about her job, as a researcher for an international women’s magazine. She had just finished researching an article which rated male sexuality amongst different nationalities. He was curious to know how the Australian male rated, and asked her outright.
She told him that they rated rather poorly because all they wanted to do in life was go to the pub, talk with their mates at parties, get drunk and then go home for a quick bit of passion and promptly fall asleep.
The businessman then asked her which nationalities rated highest and she answered that the two highest contenders were a mix of two greatly differing races. One was the Punjabis in India and the other was the Jewish race.
Later, following dinner, when the lights were lowered and the chairs reclined for sleeping, she said, “We should introduce ourselves. My name is Lilly Jones.”
He turned to her and replied...
The Query: What was the reply of the Australian businessman?
The Answer: “My name is Goldstein Singh.”
The Message: No one would like to underestimate his capacity for virility and that too with a young lady. Goldstein is a popular name among Jews and Singh is a common surname of Punjabis.
76. Conduct and Courtesy
Father: “I see you got a ‘D’ for conduct but an ‘A’ for courtesy. How is that possible?”
The son replied...
What was the son’s reply?
The Answer: The son: “Whenever I kick someone, I apologise.”
The Message: Expression of apology comes only from a refined heart. Bad conduct may emerge out of impulsive behaviour but if one realises that he has committed a mistake, there is every possibility that he can reform in due course and his unruly behaviour may be changed.
78. Unique Way to Earn
Vicky: “Uncle, your birthday gift, the drum, is the best present I ever had in my life.”
Uncle: “Oh! That’s wonderful! I suppose you’re getting good at drumming day by day.”
Vicky: “No, I am earning a lot from your gift everyday.”
Uncle: “How is it? You are just a novice in drumming and you are too young to give any public performance.”
Vicky revealed that...
The Query: What did Vicky tell his uncle?
The Answer: “My mummy gives me Rs10 everyday for not playing the drum.”
The Message: There are several ways of earning. But this particular one is unique.
79. Don’t Laugh at the Misfortunes of Others
Anil: “Yesterday one fellow stepped on a banana peel and fell flat on the road. All the passers-by laughed at him except me.”
Sunil: “Why did you not laugh?”
Anil answered that...
The Query: What did Anil say to his friend?
The Answer: “I am the fellow who fell on the road.”
The Message: We still have the inhuman tendency to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
80. Everyone is Eligible for Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. St. Peter happened to have time on his hands and offered to show the new arrival around. As they walked from place to place, St. Peter pointed to the different groups and explained who they were.
“They’re the Jews... those over there are Buddhists... those are Protestants... the ones in the corner are Hindus and Muslims.”
They arrived at a compound surrounded by a high wall. From inside could be heard the sound of voices and laughter.
“Who are those?” asked the new arrival.
“Hush!” said St. Peter, and then continued...
The Query: What did St. Peter say to the new arrival?
The Answer: “They’re Catholics... they think they’re the only ones here.”
The Message: When Gandhiji died I was studying in the seventh standard. He died on a Friday. The next Sunday when I went to church, the priest in his sermon said that Gandhiji could go to heaven only if he had thought of becoming a Catholic, at least at the last minute of his death.
I reflected at the time that if Gandhiji, in spite of leading an exemplary life, was not to be admitted into heaven, who else could gain admittance?
81. A Lucrative Business
A: “Would you suggest me a lucrative business with an investment of Rs5,000 only.”
B suggested an excellent business proposition to A.
The Query: What was B’s suggestion?
The Answer: B suggested: “Why don’t you contest the elections?”
The Message: Politics is the only business where the investment is the least and there are no prescribed qualifications, skills and capabilities.
Contents
. The Smartest Person in the World
2. Awareness and Anger
3. The Bliss of Married Life
4. How to Enjoy Heaven on Earth
5. Remember the Other Man’s Interest
6. Make Conscious Efforts to Remove Bad Habits
7. Be a Role Model for Your Children
8. Age Does Not Diminish the Sex Drive
9. The Mind Plays a Role in Good Health
10. Be Smart and Resourceful
11. Maintaining Good Health Should be Treated as a Project
12. Sexuality Among Different Nationalities
13. Don’t Take Married Life for Granted
14. Don’t Be Overconfident
15. The Magic Spell of Women
16. Everyone Expects Respects
17. Communicate with an Open Mind
18. What is Patriotism?
19. Think Before You Act
20. Make School a Paradise
21. Grow Old Gracefully
22. Continue to be a Student
23. Learn from Children
24. Discard Bitterness
25. Give Up Religious Animosity
26. Develop Tolerance
27. Carelessness Leads to Confusion
28. Sell Yourself Continuously
29. Don’t Exaggerate
30. Delegate Authority
31. Be Happy With What You Have
32. Learn to Write a Report
33. Improve Your Conduct
34. Less Luggage More Comfort
35. Don’t Reveal Secrets
36. Treat Children with Love
37. Buy Only What You Need
38. Get the Work Done by Others
39. Don’t Underestimate Others
40. Cultivate Humility
41. Develop Tact
42. Realise the Value of Money
43. Arrest Your Wandering Mind
44. Be Humane
45. Be Assertive, Not Passive
46. Sacrifice Petty Pleasures
47. Hatred Draws Bitterness
48. Children Imitate Parents
49. Keep Speeches Simple and Appealing
50. Don’t Presume, Ask
51. Use Words Carefully for Results
52. Practise Self-control
53. Don’t Be a Dependant
54. Use Your Ingenuity
55. Don’t Be Corrupt
56. Don’t Take People for Granted
57. Live Within Your Means
58. Accept the Inevitable
59. Money is Meant to be Spent
60. Convert Minus into Plus
61. Study Regularly
62. Children Can be Smarter
63. Don’t Have Double Standards
64. Learn to Respond Positively
65. Use Your Creativity
66. Think of What You Can Offer Others
67. Resist Temptation
68. Do Things for Self-satisfaction
69. What Prayer Can Do for You
70. Keep Fit
71. Be Natural and Sincere in an Interview
72. Short-cuts Won’t Help
73. Nothing is Free in this World
74. Decide Yourself
75. Don’t Play the Fool with Others
76. Conduct and Courtesy
77. Enjoy the Joke
78. Unique Way to Earn
79. Don’t Laugh at the Misfortunes of Others
80. Everyone is Eligible for Heaven
81. A Lucrative Business
82. Pay Income Tax
83. Advertisements Can be Deceptive
84. Doctors are not Infallible
85. Learn to Avoid Embarrassing Situations
86. Major and Minor Decisions in Married Life
87. An Atheist’s View
88. Don’t Depend on Others
89. Never Defend the Guilty
90. Beware of Unscrupulous Persons
91. Learn to Criticise without Offending
92. Open Your Eyes
93. Accept Your Helplessness
94. Everyone’s Time is Precious
95. Instruct Your Child Carefully
96. Be Tactful
97. Don’t Gamble
98. Leave Children to Their Natural Instincts
99. Learn to Differentiate
100. Every Word Counts
101. Opinion on Prohibition Law
102. Understand the Problem of Population Explosion
103. Hypnotic Spell in Your Married Life
104. Lack of Morality Cuts Both Ways
105. Don’t Compete
106. How to Buy Used Cars
107. Take No One for Granted
108. Plan, Perform and Evaluate
109. Give Clear Instructions
110. Tackle with Tact
111. Money Can Buy Marriage, Not Affection
112. Develop Fearlessness
113. Doctor’s Examination
114. Birthday Present for Husband
115. Plan Your Budget
116. Modern Painting with a Difference
117. Conquer Hearts with Love
118. Postpone Current Pleasure
119. The Best Way to Win an Argument
120. Learn Useful Things
121. Accept Imperfection
122. Be Open and Direct
123. Set Targets
124. Quit Drinking
125. Give up Ethnic Animosity
126. You Can Become God
127. Preach from Experience
128. Advice from a Marriage Counsellor
129. Youngsters are More Logical
130. Never Imitate
131. Drinking Harms Your Relationship
132. Know a Boy’s Psychology
133. Don’t Expect Gratitude from Children
134. Discard a Vengeful Attitude
135. Lesson for a Gambler
136. An Ideal Citizen
137. Old Habits Die Hard
138. Husband’s Request
139. Harmful Effects of Alcohol
140. A Prophet to Forecast the Weather
141. Learning is a Continuous Process
142. Don’t Make Fun of Others
143. Behaviour Reveals Profession
144. Boasting Reveals Low Self-esteem
145. The Best Way to Prevent a Fight
146. Strange Grounds for Divorce
147. Mutual Feeling
148. Believe in Your Talent
149. Remember the Past
150. Dying Wife’s Request
151. Don’t Show Off
152. Evils of Alcohol
153. Delayed Flight
154. Children and Tense
155. The Customer is Always Right
156. Thinking and Knowing
157. Books that Helped the Most
158. Professional Acquaintance
159. Discard Prejudice
160. Watch the Activities of Children
161. Charity Should Come from the Heart
162. Take Decisions After Proper Enquiry
163. Wealthy Man at the Pearly Gates
164. Avoid Unnecessary Talk
165. Silence is Golden
166. Seek Professional Advice
167. The Age of Specialisation
168. Importance of Sex in Married Life
169. Appoint Experienced People
170. The Advantage of Being Poor
171. Don’t Misjudge People
172. Everyone is Right
173. Don’t Expect Comfort in Public Places
174. Accept Idiosyncrasies of Famous People
175. Sometimes Children are Wiser
176. The Difference Between a Boss and an Employee
177. Never Compare Children’s Performance
178. Alcohol is Harmful
179. Anger Mars Thinking
180. Woman with a Tight-fitting Skirt
181. It is Difficult to be Original
182. Ignorance is the Worst Punishment
183. Speak the Language of the Railways
184. Polygamy in the Bible
185. Who is Unfaithful?
186. Practise Perseverance
187. Learn Tolerance
188. The Choice of a Career
189. Rich American Tourists
190. Understand Cultural Differences of Various Nationalities
191. Use Tact to Solve Problems
192. Choose Your Vocation
193. The Eloping Lovers
194. Use Your Creativity
195. Tackle the Problem Directly
196. Discard Self-consciousness
197. Insurance Claims
198. Guidelines for Public Speakers
199. The Curiosity of a Child
200. Robbery in an Office
201. The Price of a Railway Ticket
202. The Banker and the Oilman
203. Jagan’s Problem
204. Psychiatrist’s Advice
205. Befitting Reply
206. Curiosity in Action
207. Shoot at Will
208. The Farmer’s Desire
209. The Inveterate Gambler
210. Bloke in the Bar
211. Two Prime Ministers at a Urinal
212. Minister in a Slum
213. Selection of a Bride
214. Selling Tickets
215. The Stolen Turkey
216. The Nagging Wife
217. Great Deed on Earth
218. The Last Wish
219. Hard to Understand
220. Grandeur of the English Language
221. Heart Transplant
222. Bernard Shaw and the Talkative Man
223. Breakfast Service
224. Religious Instruction
225. Ethics for Stealing
226. Mathematical Report
227. Romantic Gestures
228. At the Dentist’s Clinic
229. Doctor’s Friend
230. The Farmer and the Miser
231. Insulting Letters
232. Train Mates
233. Small Boy’s Request
234. Blessing in Disguise
235. The Son-in-Law
236. Spiritual Gamblers
237. Small Girl’s Curiosity
238. Electrician Boyfriend
239. College Boy’s Aim
240. The Oldest Profession
241. At the Cricket Stadium
242. Unusual Letter
243. The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived
244. The Choice of a Profession
245. School Boy
246. Mutual Help
247. Hospital Visit
248. The Enterprising Old Couple
249. The Lion Tamer
250. Moody the Evangelist
251. Centenarian’s Opinion of Women
252. On-the-Spot Demonstration
253. Prisoners in the Soviet Union
254. Embarrassing Situation
255. The Friendly Bet
256. Telegraphic Message
257. Dispute Between Hell and Heaven
258. Couple’s Argument
259. Appropriate Solution
260. Young But Ingenious Lawyer
261. Fresh Graduate
262. The Famous Actor